Tuesday 12 November 2013

Acceptance of the ‘un-controlables’.

In August I was waiting for an operation to remove the external fixation on my left leg and replace it with an internal fixation. In my mind, the procedure was going to allow me greater freedom of movement and I was planning on riding at Donington, over the last weekend of October, in the last round of the Thundersport Minitwin Series. However, things didn’t go quite gone according to plan. At the Orthopaedic Trauma Ward, various dates came and went, with five operations cancelled at the last minute. Then, as I had feared, one of the hospital ‘super-bugs’ hit me, and I ended up with an infection that took weeks to get rid of. The infection meant no chance of an operation and therefore I was sent home with the ‘cage’ still attached and told to come back in three weeks for a scan. Five weeks later I had the framework removed and a cast put on instead. The cast would be on for at least 6-8weeks, the advice from the consultant is that the healing process will take up to 6 months, so no racing for me in October. The delay meant I did not complete the goal I had set, a goal I had told others I would achieve. Failure to achieve is not something that makes me happy, proud or even-tempered! As I thought about this it reminded me of past events and the lessons learned, which I needed to remind myself of, so that I could re-focus and continue my recovery with a positive mindset. There are very few journeys without set-backs, without problems and with something simply going wrong. Even though these events are beyond our control, without thinking we blame ourselves for not achieving. The blame then becomes negativity in our assessment of the process in which we have gone about attempting to reach our goal. Our plan was flawed, we weren’t up to the task and therefore our ability to perform is doubted. The doubt fractures our belief, without belief we will not be able to give our personal best performance, and the downward spiral begins. I experienced how powerful the downward spiral can be throughout the 2008/2009 winter season. Ranked number 5 in the world going into the season, I ended up number 65 by the end. Hopes I had for qualifying for the 2010 Winter Paralympics were all but vanished, the belief in my ability to perform as a skier were non-existent. The reason, blaming myself for my brothers suicide. To cut a long story short, I had to accept that his decision was beyond my control, to accept that I could not be held accountable for every action or every event that has an impact on my life. Although nowhere near as significant to my life, the actions taken by the consultants to cancel my operations, or the fact I picked up an infection, these events were beyond my sphere of influence, and so they are part of the journey rather blockades to stop me. Any goal needs to be constantly monitored, evaluated and reviewed. The areas that you can control are your responsibility, they require your focus, drive and attention. But those ‘un-controlables’ require your acceptance, understanding and realisation. If goals are moved because of them, then so be it. You haven’t failed, as you are still on the journey towards achieving them. Think of how many racers have been injured and lost championships because of the time they’ve had to take away from racing to recover, or those who have missed out due to mechanical failure……have they all turned their backs on racing and given up? Neither will I.

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